I really am a bad blogger.  I just can't get myself to sit down long enough to post an entry.  So what do I do?  I start three more blogs.

Lunacy!

In me right now there is a deep yearning to speak my voice, and an inkling that doing so will sustain me financially.  Now I don't want to be preaching on a street corner with an upturned hat, nor do I want the other side of the spectrum--to fill a huge auditorium with adoring fans that take my word as gospel.  I want to be quiet change.  I want to be the word you hear, the truth you hear, from somewhere inside you, and you KNOW it's YOUR truth too.

That's where I want to be.

Which brings me back to the real world--the one of mortgages, and power bills, and kids' karate lessons.  Of school loans, and car payments, and lingering consumer debt.  I'd love to be a change agent full time, but it does not pay the bills.  In fact, I have a really good job that I love.  But the rules are changing, and the company I love is now slowly siphoning the money I used to make from my paycheck, and keeping it for itself.  My team is disgruntled, negative, and disloyal.  And while I struggle to maintain my positive attitude, to be a change agent despite the negativity, it can't help but to get to me sometimes. 

From my past experiences, I know that when my dissatisfaction grows with my current position, another door is about to open.  And I wonder if it's not my time to take the jump, to speak my word, and to just trust that the Universe will sustain me.

I just finished my first book, which is a Guidebook for use with Neale Donald Walsch's Home with God book.  It is about death and loss.  My favorite subjects, if you consider what the Universe has dealt me so far.  Yet I consider the loss as just more doors opening, for my voice is a unique one on that subject.  Where others saw negativity in losing their homes and livelihood in Hurricane Katrina, I saw the light (cliche, I know!) in the possibility of it all.  And I did just fine.

As a very drunk Native American once told me over many beers, everything is as it should be.  Which means that it is not my job to rush to the next door, but rather to keep my eyes wide open for the sliver of light that indicates another one is ready to open.

If you would like to discuss loss of any kind, please visit my blog at http://www.theguiltfreelife.com.  I just started it, and would appreciate any input you may have about how you dealt with loss--and especially the guilt you felt while suffering. 

Until later...

Your Change Agent in the making,

Baladi

To everyone and anyone who was alone this holiday, I love you!

After overdoing it this year by working 60-hour weeks, going to school full time and writing a book, I realized that I had forgotten the most important thing about life--others.

I overlooked my son's homework assignments (he brought home 4 F's because he didn't turn them in), found out ALL about unfaithfulness in a partner I trusted, and my long-time stand-by friends didn't even call me today to wish me a Merry Christmas.  Don't get me wrong, I had a house full of people, but I still felt alone...like they were celebrating--and knew how to do it!--while I was watching on the sidelines because I forgot how to play the game. 

Today was an occasion I would have missed had these earlier wake-up situations not occurred in the past weeks. 

So look at your goals, and make sure that they are lofty, yet considerate of those who love you, for people come first and foremost in life.

Love and Hugs,

Kimberly

A fantastic article about how brain surgeons can cheat death.  It discusses how scientists can now revive dogs who have been clinically dead for 3 hours.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19318124/

Today is the 4th of July, and although I pretty much despise TV, I found myself watching the Boston Pops Firework special.  I lived in Boston for 8 years, and every July 4th was spent sitting on the grass on the bank of the Charles and watching the fireworks display.  Boston always had the most state-of-the-art fireworks I'd ever seen, and I really did want to "OOH"  and "AAH" at the spectacular and lengthy presentation.

Tonight the TV cameramen panned the crowd, showing saucer-eyed children wrapped up in blankets, and lovers kissing with the Pops in the background.  And I wanted to be there again because it represented another time for me, when I was younger, had fewer responsibilities, and didn't feel like I should be doing anything else besides watching fireworks on the 4th of July.  I was truly jealous of the spectators.

Here, it's 116 degrees at 10:00 pm, and I can hardly imaging wrapping a blanket around myself.  I hear fireworks in the distance, but my curiosity is not strong enough to venture outside to catch a glimpse. 

They probably couldn't beat Boston's display, and there's no music to punctuate the booms and explosions.

Happy 4th, all, and watch them for me!

The longest day of my life was the drive back into Mississippi after Hurricane Katrina.  Traveling what usually was a 3-hour drive that turned into a 6-hour one due to the amount of debris on the highway, I had an SUV full of friends that had evacuated with me to ride out the storm.  One-by-one I dropped them off at their homes, which thankfully had not sustained much damage.  I had saved my home for last, and pulling up to the driveway, it appeared as if it, too, had also escaped the storm.  But once inside, we discovered that all was ruined by the flood.  I remember standing in the mess wondering what it was I should be doing, what that lawn mower was doing in my kitchen, and realized that in just a few short hours, life as we know it can be completely and forever changed.

Looking back on that longest day, I believe that I had created my situation so that I could move on, and I'm grateful for the learning experience.  I'm on the right path now, and I had to lose all of my belongings to get there.

One of the worst parts about growing older is that we have more time to experience loss.  Today was the first time that I realized how silent a home is without anyone in it but me.  My son visits his father every summer, and so for two months, when I should be celebrating my freedom from karate, softball and chess club, I wander aimlessly into his room to view the strewn toys and balled-up socks he left behind---and which I don't have the heart to pick up, for it was his little hand that threw them just there.

It is an aching sadness, as if part of me hurts but I couldn't identify exactly which part that is. 
And then, a week later, I let my cat out in the backyard, and he never returned.  This was the cat that swam the hurricane waters and survived when his brother did not, starved for 5 days while the National Guard wouldn't let anyone in to see their property, and drove shotgun 1500 miles across the country to settle here with us in our new home.  This cat has seen adversity, and his strong will and loving personality made him a welcome addition to any human gathering.  I couldn't sleep that night, nor the next, nor the next.  I checked the pounds, canvassed neighbors, taped up signs.  And as the days pass, my heart aches in a different way from the way it aches for my son.  Because I never got to say goodbye to the cat.  Or thanks for being there during my worst of times, with unconditional love and the warmth that only the non-judgmental can bring to humanity.

And if I look at my differing aches, and survey this empty house, I realize that my aching is deep-rooted in something else:  the desire to be needed.

Yes, my partner is still here, but he's a grown man and he can function with or without me.  But a child, and an animal, who depended on me in so many ways....both gone....leaves me with the realization that I probably NEED this time alone, to determine exactly what I NEED... from myself.

I was just doing homework regarding ethical decision-making within companies, and ran across this:

Alessandra and O'Connor (1996) propose, instead of The Golden Rule ("treat others as you'd want to be treated"), the Platinum Rule, which states "Treat others the way they want to be treated."

The focus shifts from "This is how I like to be treated, so I'll treat everyone the same way" to "Let me first understand how people want to be treated and I will treat them that way."

But what of those, like me on too many occasions in my past, that consider themselves victims?  We are not serving them if we treat them as victims. 

We all know people like this.  What do we do then?

Just a quick demonstration of the Ripple Effect:

You are late for work, so you are shaving or putting on your makeup while driving. 
You cut me off. 
I hit a young woman walking on the sidewalk. 
You are so busy that you do not realize what you have done.

The young woman is sent to the Medical Center.
The nurse attending to her injuries is reminded by her kind face of a younger sister, who ran away when she was 16.
The nurse begins to cry and cannot continue working on the young woman's injuries.
She leaves the room, telling the doctor she can not attend to her patient at this time.
The doctor, tired already, downs an antidepressant in order to face the situation.

How many people have you affected by your irresponsibility to mankind??

Here's what I'm guessing you'll say:

ME.  (You cut me off in traffic and I hit a pedestrian).
THE YOUNG WOMAN.  (She was hit by my car).
THE NURSE.  (She was reminded of her younger sister when she saw her patient).
THE DOCTOR.  (One more crisis on his already full plate).

But, if you think a little further, you'll see that many more people were affected by your selfishness:

MY BOSS.  (I had to call in sick to accompany the young woman to the hospital).
MY FAMILY.  (I lost out on a day's pay).
THE AMBULANCE DRIVER. (He also had a call for a cardiac arrest a few blocks away, and the other ambulance got there too late to save the dying man).
THE YOUNG WOMAN'S CHILD.  (Who has no one to pick him up from school).
HER CHILD'S TEACHER. (Who must tell him his mother's been hurt, & prepare his schoolwork for the next week).
THE YOUNG WOMAN'S FAMILY. (Who worries if she'll be all right).
THE NURSE'S FAMILY. (Who must endure their mother's sadness from her experience).
THE DOCTOR'S FAMILY. (Who does not receive his full attention while he's on Prozac).
THE POLICE OFFICER.  (Who is now looking for you rather than the man who has raped a teenage girl).
THE JUDGE.  (Who will decide MY fate).
THE INSURANCE COMPANIES.  (Which will decide who is responsible for medical and automobile damages).
THE WITNESSES. (Who lose work to make statements and attend court proceedings).
THEIR FAMILIES. (Who also suffer from lost pay and other worries).

I am sure that I did not list them all, but you can see how your bad judgment has affected so many others.

My Vision for Me:

I intend to be a speaker to young businesspeople on the creation of ethical business decisions based on the spiritual values encompassed in every major religion, focusing not on the religions themselves, but rather on the basic values of integrity, honesty, kindness, balance, and compassion, all of which are contained in every holy text in one form or another.

This is a lofty goal, and it is to change the lives of not thousands, but of millions.  If I can only find the time!!

For the past 7 weeks, I have been suffering from a pulled hamstring.  The pain is worse to me than that I experienced delivering my son.  But the real lesson has been learning to live life despite the pain, and realizing that the doors of opportunity open and close even in those times.  It's important to remember not to concentrate on the pain so much that life continues on without our full focus. 

I have found myself focusing so much on my pain, actually, that I see my son playing by himself in the corner because I'm so self-absorbed that I forget my duty to him.  So instead, I am concentrating on keeping my life as regular as possible, paying less attention to the pain and more attention to the things that really matter.